Caution: before reading any of the following material on this page, if you have had any history of abuse at all this may bring up feelings you haven't dealt with in a long time......but remember to feel is to heal............

                            SHE HEARS....

She hears him, he’s coming again.  Will this ever stop?  
Her heart seems to beat in unison with his ever advancing foot steps. 
Her heart beats harder with each second that brings him to the entrance of what she thinks is
her only safe haven.  
She retreats into the further most corner of her mind.  
He cannot hurt her there.  
She hears somewhere in the distance , far away, the door opening.  
She prays he will think she is asleep and feel a little remorse for what he is doing to her, a child, once innocent, now forever ruined.  
The smell of stale cigarette smoke and sweaty steaming body odor burns her nostrils as if taunting her to open her eyes.  
Her heart is racing now, pounding loudly in her ears.  
Surely, she thinks, he must be able to hear it pounding wildly in her chest.  
He’s standing there, she can feel his presence, the presence she has feared for what seems like an eternity.  
What’s he doing?  Her mind is screaming now...... 
Will he go away?  She can only hope............
Numb, make your body numb, she knows its the only way to survive, 
she cannot remember when this began, one two maybe three years, 
who knows.  How old was she when it started?  
The smell, that rancid smell becomes stronger, it brings her back to reality, 
like a slap to the face brings a person back from the edges of hysteria.  
The panic is rising in her throat like the tidal waters of the great Pacific ocean.  
Should she scream?  
It won’t matter, nobody comes never any help.  
He groans, a horrible noise, the sound will never be erased from her memory.  
She knows now there is no pity, no concern, he will do what he has come to and she will lay as still,
still as a deer hiding itself from the hunter’s gun. 
Not a sound, any sound, be it a sound of pain, of anguish, a moan from his weight on her, 
she knows he will interpret it as pleasure and stay longer.  
The longer he stays, the more she feels the fringes of insanity reaching out for her as a spiders web reaches out for it’s next victim.  
Will she drop off the cliff, into the dark seething pit of insanity, 
will her mind leave her there, or can her conscious being pull her back.  
Does she even want to come back to a reality that causes nothing but pain?  
His weight lifts from her and once more she returns to the horrible reality she realizes is the rest of her existence.  
Will he leave her now?  
Please god, know more.  Why pray?
Nobody hears, her prayers go unanswered.  
What did I ever do to you, God?  
She feels him lift his weight from the bed and just stand there.  
Go away, her inner voice screams, drowning out any words he is speaking, 
demented words of love, words that should be spoken to her mother, 
his wife.  
Where is she?  
She knows her mother understands what is happening. 
Why doesn’t she protect her only daughter?  
Why doesn’t she take a knife, a serrated butcher knife, and plunge it into his cruel sadistic heart.  
Then stand there happy and feeling the sweetness of revenge as the life blood drains from his putrid body.  
She feels her sanity slipping.  
How she has fantasized about what she would do to him. 
The pleasure she would feel to hear him scream in agony as that knife finds and amputates the weapon he has used against her for what seems like an eternity.  
Self talk now, how easy she thinks, just to let go.  
Stop fighting to keep her sanity, just let it trickle out of her brain like a cool mountain stream.  
NO, she screams, she will not let him win, she will not let him defeat her. 
She will survive.........How old is she?  She thinks, and try’s to remember, how long has this been happening?  
How long has it been since she didn’t have to fight for her sanity?  
Too long.........she remembers, she feels old, really old, but the reality is cold for she
remembers she is only 8 years old.................. 

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I sit here and wonder why, why not just forget the past, let it go, 
why can't I just stop and let it go, 
why do the feeling keep coming back?…
When will I ever be able to let go of the past … or if I will ever be 
free of the feelings that haunt me.  
I sit here and think of all the people that go onto the conference 
with CJ an I…  I wonder if they feel the same way as I do or am I 
the only one that is so damned tired of feeling pain and confusion 
in my life.  I wonder too… Do they feel the same way as I do???? 
How do I feel??? I wish I could answer that with some sort of clarity,
but I am so confused in my own mind and I wonder in what great wisdom
do I think I am able to help others….  
If I sound confused *smile* I am……………
by Kanga   (6-6-97)


Why is it starting all over again…..when will it stop??
When will I ever feel like I can give up the fight to keep my sanity..
What will happen if I just give up.....
Just slip into a quiet cool dark place and give up.....
A place where I don’t have to fight..... 
A place where I don’t have to remember, just a cool pool…….. 
His hands reach for me in my dreams..... 
I wake without knowing where I am, who I am.....
That little girl again, why, why, why.....
When will I grow out of all this.....
I wake, I look around.....
Where am I and what was that dream I just had.....
Why am I sweating and why is my heart beating so damned fast..... 
I walk to the door, it is locked..... 
Why do I not feel safe, when will this end.....
To sleep, just one night, just 8 hours without waking and wondering...
Without questioning………
Again tonight, will I dream again tonight????? 
I am so damned sick and tired of this.....
To sleep, to just fall into a night, 8 hours of sleep.....
Wonderful restful sleep.....
Why is it starting all over again…..when will it stop?????

By Kanga    11.21.97


Looking around I wonder what I am doing
Is it me or is it someone else’s past I remember
What is happening to my life now
Where am I heading…..
What time of day is it
Has he come or is he coming
Where is she, why doesn’t she protect me
Where are they, where are my brothers
Do they know….why don’t they come and help me
Help!!!! here he comes again, will it ever stop
Looking for escape,,,,,, there is none
His hands on me, his mouth over mine
My mind is screaming, my soul is weeping
How can I ever escape his touch
How can I ever look at myself in the mirror
I let him do these things to me
Why don’t I scream…out loud
Scream out loud…scream what…
His touch burns into me 
I know his horrible ugly touch
A touch that brands me for life 
A brand of shame, self loathing
A touch that robs me of my innocence
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him
No escape ever…the memories remain

Sanity and Soul

Running to escape the evil beast
It follows close, innocence is it’s prey
The putrid stench of its odor draws nigh
A tiny soul prays for the break of day

Little child oh so innocent once
Forced to be a woman far before her time
She cries so softly all alone in her fear
No one to save her from this crime

She finds no refuge in her mother
The cruelties of her hands, the hardness of her soul
She wraps herself in the warmth of a blanket
Trying to hide her childish dreams in a safe hole

For her she knows there will never be escape
She knows her purgatory will never end
The seething nasty pit known as Daddy
Keeps touching, her sanity will never mend

So easy to let her mind slip slowly away
Never to feel or care ever more
But her inner voice screams, "Don’t let him win"
In triumph her sanity and soul sore

So evil beast I know as Father
And nasty witch I know as Mother
Your abuse and horror I will suffer
But my soul and sanity belongs to ME and no other



As I walk in the hallway
 I watch closely wondering where he is and if he will see me before he
goes to work??
He is in the room at the end of the hall and he know's I am hiding from
him....but still he looks.
I sit in my room and look at the door, will he enter, will he tell me I have
to come with him, that I have to go to work with him.
I look to my mother the woman that is supposed to protect me,  
she looks at me and smiles and asks “Are you going with you father to
work tonight”, a shadow covers my face and I know there is no escape.
The monster enters and I look at the floor, he extends his hand and I
know there is no escape that he will hurt me tonight.
I try to think of and excuse that has not been used in the last couple of
days but nothing except fear.
I breathe deep and will happen again                                

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